If life was the Legend of Zelda...
The boomerang would be your best friends. They help you stop enemies, they make getting money and hearts faster and easier, and if managed properly - always come back when you need them the most.
Women would be the pieces of Triforce. Seems like the point of life is to get them, but the quest is more fun than the acquisition. Scattered about the world they seem to hang out mostly with monsters and their flashing lights are pleasing to the eye.
Your father would be the old man. He tells you a bunch of stuff, some of it useful, some of it nonsense, some of it obvious, and some of it insightful, but really you ignore pretty much all of it just to hit him with the boomerang and run before the fireballs get you.
The fairy would be your mother. She pops up when you would least expect her. It's tough to survive without frequent visits and when you do get to spend quality time with her she surrounds you with love and energy.
Your penis would be the wooden sword. You find it about 5 seconds into the game. You use it way too often. It eventually becomes second nature in battle and toward the end of the game you tend to lose interest in it for more mysterious toys.
Poker would be the red candle. It's fun, addictive, you occasionally come into free money with it, its use occasionally costs you, it takes time to learn how to use it properly, and if you get too close it will eventually burn you alive.