Pic

A portrait my eight year old cousin did for me.

Note to Relatives

Just because I play poker for a living doesn't mean I want a ton of scratch off lottery tickets for Christmas.

Me

I am generally an extremely passive person. My past two previous relationships sort of just fell into my lap with little work. They both pretty much fell apart from a lack of effort on my part. I hardly did any homework in school. Poker came rather naturally and I now have to do little work to get more money than I need. Athleticism comes with little struggle. In high school when it came time to apply for colleges I did only one application (most of my peers doing at least 3-7) and got in to my first choice of school with no back up plan [funny story is when the girl I was dating at the time went to our guidance consular in a rush to get off a few applications he suggested that she be more proactive like me [her bf] to which she laughed in his face and to me later]. This is the first time in my life I really feel like I need to work hard to become a better person and I am setting some serious goals to get it done:

1. Alarm set to get me up everyday at 9:59AM.
2. At least 30 minutes a day reading about communication skills and emotional growth.
3. Keeping current connections with friends and family strong and encouraging new ones.
4. At least 30 minutes a day of cardio or anaerobic exercise.
5. Keep my condo clean.

Once I set goals they almost always are accomplished. It's funny how buying things can really make you feel better as superficial and lame as that sounds. I got some rocking campers and a new years eve outfit in soho and I feel like a new man at times.

Home

History begins to repeat itself. I did it for a lot longer last time, but again I am finding myself using the mental crutch that I will someday get back with my ex-girlfriend to ease the pain. It is hard to differentiate between wanting to get back together because you are madly in love and want to spend the rest of your life with this person; between wanting to get back together because it would be the quickest and easiest way to stop the pain [I suspect more of the latter]. Today was a big band-aid rip. She took all her belongings out of my apartment and we agreed to cease all contact. It is officially time to move on. I am now home for the holidays after some extended travels to Chiacgo, Veags and New York. After Christmas and New Years Eve and the Bahamas (PCA) I will be looking into experimenting with some online dating. I have given up almost all hope of meeting new people in person. I have yet to sleep past 9:59AM these past two weeks. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish the difference between the pain of lost love and the pain of acid reflux. I think it was a bit of both this evening.

Weekend in NYC

Little issues can cause big problems. It's funny how in baseball even two of the most refined and talented outfielders can let a routine fly ball drop in between them on rare occasion. All it takes is a hand gesture or an "I got it" and there is no problem. The same seems to ring true for serious relationships. Many times a problem will come along that two people can solve with ease as long as there is a simple open dialog. Back in high school I vividly remember one day after practice when my football coach approached me in private and said how he got the feeling that I didn't let anyone get close to me and that I didn't talk much. At the time I just thought whatever, you are a dumb old redneck, why would I want to talk/open up with you? But his words seem to ring true a decade later. Lately I've been having frequent conversations with close friends and family about the break up and life. In nearly each talk I have brought up how I don't let too many people get close to me. Nearly every time I say this I get an immediate and emphatic affirmation. Honestly this caught me off guard a bit. I don't feel like I hold much back. If the people closest to me in my life feel like I have a wall up, I can't imagine what those who barely know me think.

Fun fact of the day: In a study called American Couples, it was found that lesbians have sex less often than gay men and heterosexual couples. The sociologists believe this to be true because among lesbians they found neither feels comfortable taking the role of initiator, because neither wants to be perceived as making demands.

Graph

Things I Have Been Thinking

• Long distance relationships are nearly impossible.
  
• Yes I make enough money playing poker to get by... do non gamblers not see how this is a rude question to ask someone you just met?
• New Years Eve is definitely my favorite holiday and planing/hosting a party is quite the pleasurable experience. This recent break up will damper both my attendance and guy:girl ratio; a potential sausage fest is one of my greatest fears.
• There is a lot of useful information in books and on the internet.
  
• It seems to take around 15% (or more) of the time you were in a serious relationship to grieve afterwards before you can healthily connect on an emotional level with a different woman.
• Comments are the lifeblood of the blogging industry.
  
• Meeting new people after college whist working at home is daunting.
  
• Sometimes when I am at my lowest emotional states and don't feel like going on anymore its the far chance of catching that runner runner that I would someday get back together with my ex that keeps me going.
  

Wise Words from Cartman

The Next Day

You get a few drinks in me and I will say the silliest things on this blog. A good nights sleep did me well. I have my alarm clock permanently set to 9:59am and don't plan on sleeping a wink past ten AM for at least the next 6 months. It's painful at times, but after much rumination I believe it is the optimal play. Despite going to sleep last night at nearly 5am I somehow found myself wide awake at 8:45am this morning. One of my best friends just bought a house less than 1.5 miles away from me and I got the pleasure of taking the tour this morning. My future is relatively up in the air. Such uncertainty is slowly progressing from fear to excitement. Some of the best advice I've gotten about poker is to adapt your game to your personality. If you are generally a conservative person, a tighter game will come more naturally. If you are a bit wild and adventurous, you probably will see more success playing looser poker. I presume the same to also be true of other aspects of life. I need to recognize my natural talents and play on my strengths. I respond well to setting goals and if something can be turned into a competition I will find a way to win. I genuinely believe that at my core I am a good person. There's an old saying my father oft quotes that goes, ""Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are." I have had the privilege to be surrounded by a plethora of top notch people in my life and can only expect this trend to continue.

Song

Figured I would write a mix that summed up the emotions I've been feeling this past week:

Song

4 Things I Could Have Done to Have Cultivated a Healthier Relationship

1. Listen for hints: I am a very blunt and honest person. When someone asks how I feel or what I want I almost never beat around the bush. This isn't to say that way is good or bad, but just that I seem to expect others to reciprocate similarly. Consequently, when people make slight suggestions or choose more delicate wording I often overlook important details. It is essential that I can learn to step outside myself and take strong note when significant issues are brought up; if only by implication or briefly touching on them.

2. Change my schedule: At the time it seemed trivial, but in retrospect I truly believe having askew sleeping patterns puts tremendous strain on the relationship. It really wouldn't have taken all that much effort and the benefits would have greatly outweighed the costs. I have very strong will power and not exercising it here was a mistake I hope not to repeat.

3. Take an interest: If you really care about someone, inquiring about their hobbies, activities, jobs, family and leisure time should following naturally on a daily basis. It seems like on the deepest level the biggest thing people want is just to have someone who listens and understands what it is they think they are saying. If you don't let people tell you who they are, you'll never learn.

4. Develop communication skills: This is without a doubt the biggest thing. If I learn nothing else from this whole experience, I'd be content if I just sharpened my ability to communicate. I recently picked up a book (You Just Don't Understand by DR. Deborah Tannen) by suggestion of my mother and only 70 pages in I feel it has challenged and enlightened my inter gender linguistic skills to the bone. It is widely known that most relationship problems can be resolved by means of healthy communication. It's about time I play a little less Tetris and start sorting out my real life.

Wise Words from Churchill

If you're going through hell, keep going.

DJ Gambel^3

Stuck alone in a cold and snowy Chicago.

Stuck on Repeat

I watch an episode of Simpsons nearly every night before I got to bed. I have a hard time turning off my mind and this seems to help. Lately I've been watching them in French to help learn the language. It helps. The other day the folder containing all the episodes just disappeared. I don't remember deleting it or moving it and all searches came up empty. It just seemed to leave without any notice. Elizabeth and I broke up this evening. We dated for about twenty one months. On paper the relationship seemed to be a reasonable match, but if the Acura TL has taught us anything it's that intangibles are what keep the wheels turning. If something big was missing it won't show up in the record books. I will try and make an extra effort to avoid too much alcohol and gambling in the trying coming times.